What are We Really Saying to Kids? – Language Use & Gender

In this 3 Part series Maya explores the relationship between language acquisition and gender. How can we begin using our language to be more inclusive and provide our kids with the skills they need to negotiate oppressive systems?

In part 3 Maya also explores an example from a children’s book that unconsciously passes on gender oppression and a lack of consent. This highlights the power of language, the importance of lived experience, and why it’s where we must begin to create real change and equity.

(This 3 part series was originally posted on Maya Gonzalez's blog in 2019)

Jump to Particular Section:
Part 1: What are we really saying to our children?
Part 2: Instilling Skills to Help our Kids Negotiate Oppressive Systems
Part 3: A Real Life Example

Pronouns are one of the first ways that small children are taught to gender themselves and others.

As a child grows within the womb, they are introduced to our language and how we communicate in our world, including how they are spoken about. At first glance this can seem simple and straightforward. But if we want to understand what we’re actually teaching our kids, we have to take a closer look at our language.

Language is a cultural carrier. It evolves through multiple layers of our larger history, and ultimately speaks for those who control that history.

Sometimes what language conveys culturally is explicit, sometimes it’s more subtle. But generally it conveys in one way or another, what the dominant culture values and wants the common populous to believe.

Here are two examples from our culture. The first is the use of he and man for third person neutral, especially in academic and professional writing. Although this has fallen out of favor in the last two decades, it is still considered correct.

A more subtle and common example is the standard use of the phrase boys and girls, when referring to all children.

What values are embedded in these examples?

In the first one, it is obvious that we live in a patriarchy. Everything is seen and defined through the lens of man. This serves to center, focus and prioritize everything male. Simultaneously, this serves to erase, devalue, even make subservient anything that is not man or man-related.

An important step toward equity for all people has been seeing through this particular legacy of language control.

huMAN - woMAN - huMANity - perSON - HIStory

Connected to this, but more subtle is the second example. It basically conveys that small children are required to align and define themselves with one of two genders assigned to them at birth. This erases the reality that there are more than two kinds of bodies, and that there is more than one way to feel and behave within those bodies.

Sometimes these kinds of value judgments can be hard to see until someone points them out. But they have very real intentions and effects.

We have only to look to the long struggle of women coming out of the shadow of MAN, in relation to education, voting, health care, economic opportunity, physical security, political presence and so on. Although there is still far to go, our language reflects this ongoing evolution of independence with the shifting use of Miss and Mrs. to Ms. and the fact that he and man are no longer favored for 3^rd person.

With this in mind, a closer look at language acquisition can show what we may be unconsciously passing on to our kids, especially about gender.

For kids, parents and family who can’t perform in accordance with cultural stereotypes, there are literally no words. In terms of standard language use, they do not exist. It should come as no surprise that these are the kids and adults who are the most marginalized and outright bullied in a patriarchal culture. This is profoundly compounded by racism.

It does more than use language to erase people, it conveys on a deep cultural level a complete lack of value. And herein lies the rub. Everything we say to, or in front of our children is teaching them not only about who they can be, but what we value about who they can be.

Language is power. It can be used to define, affirm, even create, or erase value.

What do we want to pass on to our kids? How can we use our language in a way that values and includes everyone?

The more we become aware of the words that have been put into our mouths and what they’re really saying, the more we can consciously create change from our own hearts and minds. This assures that the power of our voice is ours and serves us, and our kids.

Here are 5 important things you can do with your voice right now:

• 1. No more "boys and girls" - Preempt Exclusion
  • Many don’t intend to be unwelcoming. It’s more often than not an unexamined habit. Take a moment to consider how often you use phrases like: boys and girls, moms and dads, men and women, ladies and gentlemen, brothers and sisters, etc… Consider what other words are possible that include everyone. Kids, parents, people, siblings, etc… committing to a seemingly small shift like this is BIG. You’re making room for all bodies while countering homophobic, transphobic and cissexist judgment built into our language. You’re also supporting more ways to be ourselves in the world and building respect for those who are undeniably their selves.
• 2. There’s always been more than he and she - Pronoun Expansion
  • Become aware of more pronouns, even more than he, she, they.
  • In the last 150 years there have been over 100 words created to express a gender neutral third person. Thon (short for ‘that one’) was even in the dictionary from 1934-1961. With so much effort, it’s interesting to note that none of these words came into common use. There may be a two part reason for that. One, a word like that already existed. And two, timing is everything.
  • Currently, the ongoing need for a nonbinary personal pronoun has brought the singular pronoun they into standard use. (THEY, 2016 word of the year) The gender neutral singular they is not new. It became part of our language in the 1300’s. It is considered grammatically correct as a gender neutral personal and third person pronoun, in addition to being used as a plural pronoun.
• 3. If you don’t know, don’t assume - Inclusive Practices
  • There’s no need to make assumptions based on stereotypes when we have both gender-neutral words and pronouns at our disposal. We can use language to lay a foundation in our culture of respect and inclusion of all people.
  • Not making assumptions means making room for everybody all the time. To create a welcoming environment, use words like people, parents, kids, friends, family and so on.
  • If you don’t personally know someone’s pronoun, don’t make assumptions. If you find you need to use a pronoun, you could use they as an inclusive pronoun until you hear from that person what pronoun or pronouns they use.
  • Some people like to be asked their pronoun. Some don’t. Unless you’re asking everybody’s pronouns all the time, only asking when you can't assume based on stereotypes can feel like “othering” to folks and even “outing” to some.
  • Offering your own pronoun first can seem like an opening, but for some folks it can also feel like an obligation to respond in kind. Depending on a million factors, this may or may not feel safe. Pay attention to see if it’s absolutely necessary for you to know somebody’s pronoun.
  • Leaving space for freedom and the unknown can be a positive thing, especially in relation to something as rigid as gender in our current culture.
  • Take a moment to pay attention to how your own pronoun/s impact your life. Is this something you have to think about all the time? Never?
  • Times are changing! Now there’s a name prefix that is inclusive. Mx!
• 4. Making visible what has been erased - A Shift Toward Equity
  • Changing the words that we use personally is HUGE! But there’s more! Everything that’s been written can also be updated to be inclusive, making visible all who were once erased. Playing with pronouns in books is a great way to talk to kids about language and why it’s important to make changes to be inclusive.
  • Here are two ways to do it. Both are valuable for different reasons.
  • First, change pronouns in books to they. This one takes practice because there is a cascading effect you have to keep track of. It slows me down sometimes and takes some creativity, but I’ve done it so much now, I’m nearly seamless. (I read A LOT of books to our young one)
  • This interrupts the girl/boy assumption and makes room for not knowing a person’s gender, which interrupts stereotypes. But just using they, even consistently, isn’t enough. This makes more room for gender, but stereotypes are by nature rigid and superficial. If we don’t actually challenge them in some way, they remain intact, just renamed. In order to call in and acknowledge a more nuanced and truthful perspective of gender, we need to include another step.
  • Second, change a character’s pronouns from she to he, or from he to she. Reading-wise, this is easier to do. This interrupts the rigidity of stereotypes and uses beloved characters (with stories that center them) as vehicles to learn more about inclusion.
  • Reframing like this explicitly expands ideas about who people can be, and provides a counter narrative to the dominant culture.
  • Currently racism and sexism are more and more unacceptable in children’s media, but cissexism remains rampant. Particularly in children’s movies where gender nonconformity is often specifically set up, so it can be ridiculed.
  • When kids witness and practice respect for all bodies and ways of being in the world, this form of bullying is easier to see and interrupt.
  • Here's a throwback video modeling how to play with pronouns in picture books and you can learn more about our Reading Protocol for ways to keep the persepctives alive:
    
• 5. Making space - New Ideas, New Words, New Connections
  • Old ideas and beliefs that support oppression are coming apart more and more. Even language is changing to reflect that. But in order for this good work to be rooted in true respect and systemic change, we must acknowledge the community who paved the way. We must call in, lift up, listen to and support all the gorgeous, courageous LGBTQI2S+ people who changed the world by being their true self… and often without meaning to, making room for us to be here, now. We are living in the light they cast. It’s time for LGBTQI2S+ voices and faces, history and wisdom to be familiar to our kids. This is a powerful step toward completing one circle of cultural healing. #FirstVoice #OwnVoice

From an early age, many LGBTQI2S+ people understand the power of language and the impact it can have.

This is why in my gender work, the Pronoun Circle is at the center of the Gender Wheel, and why addressing language acquisition is Level One of the Curriculum.

In order to continue fully addressing gender in our current culture, we must establish more and more respectful and inclusive ways of speaking to one another. This means more than saying “the right thing.” It means becoming critically aware of the messages inside of what we’re saying.

Using language as a tool to control behavior cannot be underestimated, as I pointed out in Part 1 of this series.

Language is power. Fundamental change is key.

Without change here, well-intentioned people unconsciously contribute to the very oppression they’re often trying to dismantle. Lifting out of this cultural fog means taking the time to do some structural work.

This includes looking at the big picture and seeing what’s been erased by patriarchal culture through language. For example, many indigenous tribes of the Americas had words for LGBTQI2S+ people and their roles. There were also myths and origin stories, songs and art. Instead of retaining or translating anything, they were intentionally erased and/or replaced with derogatory terms.

What preferences and value judgments were maintained by this erasure. Who did it benefit? Who does it limit and/or control? And most importantly, how does this continue to influence our current culture?

Being able to see like this usually requires stepping outside of the dominant culture and language, and engaging with perspectives and histories that are nonWestern, nonwhite, and/or LGBTQI2S+.

What does all this have to do with our kids?

Changing how we speak to each other and how we engage with media is an important step to support our kids. We can create a more welcoming, inclusive environment and communicate volumes about power and our kids’ ability to speak for themselves.

But if we want to instill the skills our kids need to negotiate an oppressive system, we must also tell them WHY we’re changing the way we speak and changing the words in their books.

For example,

“Our country has a history of bullying. It includes bullying black and brown people. Bullying girls, women and femmes and disabled people. And bullying LGBTQI2S+ people. This bullying pretends some people are better than others, even pretends there is a right or wrong way to be who you are. That’s wrong. Everybody belongs and we want everybody to feel welcome. So we’re changing how we talk, even how we read. Everybody needs to feel free to grow into exactly who they are, like a tree. I want this for you. I want it for all kids!”

Talking like this demonstrates to kids how to continue dismantling the many areas that support gender-based bullying dynamics in our culture.

Children’s books are one of the first places that kids come into contact with the dominant culture, making them a perfect place to seed change and support.

These three books rise from the foundations of the Gender Wheel. There’s no room for assumptions and stereotypes in the imagery or the language because The Gender Wheel Curriculum is rooted in a nature-based, holistic frame.

Nature, history and indigenous cultures show the indomitable presence and value, even the need for inclusion of LGBTQI2S+ people.

Reestablishing that gender diversity is a necessary and intrinsic part of nature is the heart of the matter. This provides an immediate foundation of truth and support, allowing the true self to relax, step forward and feel welcomed.

Everyone wants that. To feel free. To just be.

This is what I want for all children, but particularly for our most marginalized, LGBTQI2S+/IPOC kids. By addressing change here, we impact everybody else.

To understand more about the fundamentals behind these books and how to keep building on them, we began providing trainings in the SF Bay Area in 2019. The first training I gave, Teaching for Gender Inclusivity: Reorienting toward a Holistic Nature-Based Perspective on Gender looked at the basic building blocks of the curriculum, and included guided hands-on exploration of educational materials, along with reading practice and lots of resources. This helped reorient, inspire and provide initial tools to create inclusive gender practices across multiple disciplines.

I gave a version of this introduction lecture at the NCTE Conference (National Council of Teachers of English) in the Fall of 2018. I was beyond pleased when participants told me their minds were quite literally blown (in a good way!), and one participant told me that it was the most informative session they’d been to in 10 years of conferences. This blew me away! Change is in the air.

Our current 3-Part training, Decolonizing Gender with Nature was first piloted in Santa Clara County with the Office of LGBTQ Affairs in 2021. We now regularly provide trainings through Santa Clara County's Behavioral Health Services and have begun extending our training offerings to the larger public. The current Gender Wheel materials and focus are on the first 10 years of language acquisition, but the materials are relevant to all ages.

In every gender lecture and workshop I say, “this is not a small thing.” There are small changes that we can make, like pronoun expansion and gender-neutral language. But the truth is, what we’re talking about here, “…is a very large thing.”

Gender oppression is the foundation of the patriarchy. It affects everybody as it stretches across race, ethnicity, even class. Everything is built on it. Science, economics, healthcare, education, and so on.

That’s why it’s so revolutionary to begin by changing the way that we communicate with each other and express who we are in the world. This opens doors of respect within ourselves and between each other that have been aggressively and intentionally sealed shut. This opens up the possibility of creating greater and greater unity among the marginalized.

Children’s books supply a doable step in a long dance of change, especially when it comes to inclusive language.

As a parent, I know we need tools that we can lean on. Not having to change pronouns and chase verbs when I read books to my kid, is a much appreciated break! I am so grateful for all the books we’ve used with our kid that our friends and community have created. They make all the difference in the world.

But of course we need MORE! And we need to continue learning more about what we’re really saying to our kids.

An example of why it’s so important to understand the power of language and how we use it, especially in books for children.

This article was originally a 3 part series on my blog in 2019. Prior to it, I hadn't written a blog for a whole year. The last one was titled My Gender Work Was Stolen in the Children’s Book Industry. In it I primarily focused on the facts related to two books: one was a workbook that consciously lifted my gender work, and another was a children’s book that co-opted and distorted my Gender Wheel.

In 2019 Matthew and I saw that the name of the co-opted wheel had been changed to the Interactive Wheel as the publisher said it would be. But it is still the same shape.  It also has the same language that we told both the author and her press was problematic, and why. We were ignored.

I’m glad this book and its language are no longer directly connected to The Gender Wheel, but it’s message continues to haunt me.

Especially, since this book is sometimes paired with our pronoun book and it’s been on lists in the children’s book industry, validating and uplifting its message.

I generally don’t speak to the problematic content in the workbook that columbused my work, but because I work in the children’s book industry, I have referenced issues in the children’s book in my gender presentations (usually without title).

But in February of 2019 I did something I hadn’t done before. I shared a brief post on a public media platform about what I consider to be one of the most damaging messages in Who Are You? The Kid’s Guide to Gender Identity.

Sadly it’s on the co—opted Wheel in the back of the book. Far more than the plagiarism, this is what broke me and Matthew’s hearts and enraged us. It can still be emotional to talk about, but I was told the information was helpful so I’m providing it for easier reference.

Matthew and I did a full documentation of the cissexism embedded in the language of both books. This gave us a greater understanding of what was going on and the ability to speak about it. It’s been a lot to digest, but I want to take a moment to make something clear.

This is not about books having to be perfect. Everyone is learning all the time. I know I am. And it’s not about just this book, or the two of them. It’s much, much bigger than that. Certainly bigger than me and my feelings.

This is about patterns and dynamics of power embedded in everything, particularly how we speak, the actions we take and how this contributes to maintaining oppressive systems.

I’m only going to address the pull out ‘Interactive Wheel’ in the back of

Who Are You? The Kid’s Guide to Gender Identity,

and only one sentence on one of the three concentric circles.

This problematic sentence is reflective of the rest of the book. The center circle that is referring to the body says, “I have…” with three choices, “a body that made adults guess ‘girl’ ; “a body that made adults guess ‘boy’ ; or “a body that made adults say ‘not sure.'”

Since we’ve explored the importance of language in the last 2 parts, I want to slow this down to really look at what is being communicated.

“I have a body that made adults…” Here a child claims for their self that their body made adults act, taking all the responsibility and placing it on their body for action upon it.

The other part of the phrase,

“guess ‘boy’ or ‘girl'” This can further isolate and disorient the child by removing responsibility or context of the oppressive system and the reality of how sex and gender are assigned, not assumed, in our current culture.

So with this one sentence that a child is encouraged to say, “I have a body that made adults guess…”, all responsiblity is placed on their body and any other responsibility and context is removed. This effectively puts the full onus on the child for their own oppression.

Internalized oppression like body shame and blame must be negotiated by many adults from LBTQI2S+ communities, privately and out in the world, especially for those who are Indigenous or POC. That’s why our annual celebrations are called PRIDE! It takes a simple word to cut through a dense, oppressive cultural fog.

Even for those of us who are a part of the community, it can be challenging to understand the extent by which the dominant systems oppress us, especially with something as common and necessary as language. It takes work to say what you mean with a language shaped by the oppression of women, femmes and LGBTQI2S+ people.

I find it difficult to understand what the author of Who Are You? The Kid’s Guide to Gender Identity was consciously trying to teach with her Interactive Wheel and children’s book when these messages are embedded in her work. (*NOTE: several other books have come out since 2019 with very similar if not exact same "guessing" language.)

For me, my experience with this book has stressed the power of language, the importance of lived experience and why it’s where we must begin to create real change and equity.

This is our opportunity to finally take the onus off our kids & the larger LGBTQI2S+ community and put in on the system where it belongs.

Language is where we can create real change and equity.

There’s no time to waste.

We must heal the song we sing to our children.